Sunday, September 11, 2011

My Cosmic Doppelganger Is An Evil Bitch!

So I was watching this show called Curiosity on the Science Channel. The episode was called “Parallel Universes: Are They Real?” On the show, Cosmologist Max Tegmark, speaking about repeating patterns, said: “When I say all patterns of atoms repeat, I really mean all patterns. Even the pattern of atoms that makes up me, Max Tegmark. If I go far enough away there is going to be another exact copy of me who will not just look like me, but feel like he is me.”

Wow, that’s pretty cool. So there’s another one of me somewhere else in the universe. I imagine her to be a skinny, super cool, version of me. She hasn’t had to deal with Type 2 Diabetes, sugar/food addiction, or any of the other issues that stress me out, like having to be on a really strict calorie count in order to lose any weight. I imagine she is the me who has successfully managed her weight. But then, of course, reality came crashing back down around me. Wait . . . What did he say? Another EXACT copy? Well, shit, that means she is some alternate skinny me. That means she’s probably struggling with her weight just the same as me. Wait. What if I am the exact copy? Does that mean we are connected in some weird cosmic way? What I do affects her and what she does affects me? Cool! Wait. Shit. THAT BITCH! She’s probably over there sitting on her fat ass eating fucking bon bons and watching Stargate SG-1 reruns as I type this! She is the reason I have so much trouble losing weight. That must be it.

So not only do I have all the various reasons in my universe holding me back - Type 2 Diabetes, food addiction, emotional eating, the yummy deliciousness of Tapatio flavored Doritos (damn them!) – but now I have to contend with my cosmic doppelganger sabotaging my every effort with her cotton candy eating self. How do I know she’s eating cotton candy right now? Because I am THINKING of cotton candy right now. She’s taunting me with her evil twin me eating habits! THAT BITCH!

Well, I am glad that I finally learned about her sabotaging, evil, pernicious existence. You know what, I don’t even know if ‘pernicious’ is an appropriate word for that sentence, because I can’t think off the top of my head what it means (it’s that fucking bitches’ fault – she’s overloaded me with sugar!), but it sounded good, so I using it. My point being, now that I know about her, I can work to counteract all of her evil undermining of my success. Then, she’ll be in her reality eating donuts and sucking down Dr. Pepper (NOT DIET) and telling her friends “I KNOW, RIGHT? It’s like I can eat anything and still lose weight.” Yeah, so I won’t get credit for making my evil twin me’s life bloody brilliant, but I at least have the satisfaction of knowing that my evil twin’s evil twin versions of my friends will be totally insane with jealousy.

I know that might sound a bit catty of me, but you have to remember these are my evil twin friends, not my real friends who are totally cool and amazingly awesome and supportive. I mean, let’s face it, my friends rock. But not me evil twin’s friends. They are equally as evil as she is and are probably talking about her behind her back all the time and being totally catty. So, see, I am just helping my evil twin me to not be the ‘Dinner for Schmucks’ version of me. Because I am philanthropic like that.

So the next time you are working extra hard on sticking to your healthy eating game plan or having a tough time avoiding stress eating, just think of your evil twin you in the other evil twin parallel reality and all her jealous, backstabbing evil twin friends, suck it up, take one for the team and say: “This one is for you, evil twin me!”

Yeah, she may be an evil bitch, but I kinda like her.

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